My Reason for Speaking Out (TW)

This last year has been transformational for me as I started speaking out about child abuse, religious trauma, my healing journey, and deconstructing from Evangelical Christianity. I wrote my first book When Pedophiles Hide Behind Pulpits last fall in response to the newest wave of devastating information I learned about my upbringing. I simply needed to free myself from the pain and tell the truth about what I have experienced. I was done trying to protect those who never really protected me.

For many months I pulled away from the world as much as I possibly could. I had to for my own sanity. I needed to quiet the outside noise so that I could go within and start to heal. I had to face myself in the most raw and vulnerable ways, and while it was incredibly difficult and gut wrenching, it also brought me to this place of lightness and freedom on the other side of it.

Not everyone understood my need to withdraw. Some called me selfish. Others said I was making things up for attention or to take time off work. Ultimately, the people who matter in my life gave me the space and encouragement to walk out this part of my journey. I am so thankful for my tribe and the ways they have held me, even when I went silent! It made all the difference to know that I was seen, valued, and loved, even when I couldn't contribute much during that time to those friendships.

Once I was able to rejoin the world as a much healthier and happier version of myself, I started thinking about how I could support other women who have walked similar paths. During my healing process I thought about all the other girls and women I've known in my life who were silenced, not believed, or ignored altogether. I thought about the women I've known who were so overcome by their traumatic past that they turned to using substances, lost themselves, and it cost them their lives. I think about the women I've known who have taken their own lives. These women were far too young and their lives too precious to end in such devastating ways.

I know what it's like to stay stuck in your own trauma and what it feels like to spin your wheels as you fight to live another day. It can be all-consuming and sometimes no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. The messaging of our society can make it worse as women are often celebrated for what they can do, how they can perform, and how much they can carry. I knew that I needed to do whatever I could to interrupt that messaging. I didn't want more of my friends or any other women to lose their lives and I felt the call to speak out because I lived to tell the story of reclaiming my own life.

I have always been one to hide from the camera. Internalized shame and self-loathing led to decades of imposter syndrome and none of my achievements seemed to diminish that. It wasn't until I got serious about my self love journey that I was able to turn that corner and finally start letting myself be seen. It wasn't because I thought I had all the answers, but if my story could help one woman I was willing to put myself out there.

I've had people ask why I direct my messages to women (as though I'm some man eater) and why I post so often. I've been told I'm too much and that I should tone it down. I have been teased and taunted, and yet I remain steadfast in trying to reach women. In fact, it's led me to get even louder. Why, you might ask?

Because some woman might just need to a see friendly face on the internet and someone to tell her she is worthy without having to prove it first.

Because my awkwardness on camera might inspire someone else to take a chance on themselves and tell their story too.

Because I want women to know I believe them and I am rooting for their healing as well.

Because I don't want to see another woman suffer and die.

Because silence kills.

Because I want abusers to be held accountable.

So, I will take the verbal jabs in stride because I know that I'm walking in my purpose. I remember those dark, lonely nights and how I cried out to God to let all this pain mean something. That pain has now been turned into power as I share strategies that worked for me to find the light again. Each day that I am able to encourage other women to use their voices and speak truth to power is an incremental reclamation of what was lost. It can't bring back the women who have lost their lives, but it can create new pathways for women moving forward. It can change the trajectory of future generations as we erode the harmful foundation of patriarchy in our country and return to matriarichal practices. Not because we hate men, but because we understand the sacred role women have in healing our world.

If you are struggling to stay: I see you. I believe you. I love you. Please stay!

If you are stuck in a trauma loop, I have been you and I hope you decide to take your own self love journey so that you can finally be free.

If you are afraid to tell your story, I understand you and I lend you my brave. Your voice is SO IMPORTANT! Please use it.

The time to speak is NOW!