Discovering My Authentic Self

I spent the last two weeks on a solo road trip across the country. To be honest, I was a little apprehensive to go because although I have done plenty of road trips with my family and friends, I have never gone this far for this length of time on my own. Somehow I was worried about whether or not I would be more stressed without someone else there to bounce ideas off of or shoulder any travel difficulties with. Do you know what I found instead? ABSOLUTE PEACE!

This was the least fancy trip I've ever been on. It was also the least planned. I knew, generally, where I would go but I wasn't sure where I would stay each night or how many miles I would feel like driving each day. I did it anyway because I wanted to stretch my capacity for navigating the unknown. See, I am a planner. I have always been the one to plan every vacation and take care of every single detail. Yet, this time I decided I would just stay present each day and trust myself on each leg of the journey. I could not have been more pleased with the way it turned out.

While I was gone I enjoyed the awe and magnificence of nature as I drove thousands of miles across varied terrain. I witnessed a bald eagle fly above my car for at least a mile while it was undoubtedly searching for its next meal in the river I was driving alongside. I experienced nature in its purest form, including an extreme thunderstorm across wide open skies. Instead of being afraid, I saw the majesty of one helluva light show as far as the eye could see and I gave thanks for just being able to witness it.

During my trip I was able to see people I haven't seen in many years and reconnect with them as if no time had passed at all. I enjoyed belly aching laughter and soaked up the joy that is found with people you love and who love you just as you are. I felt completely comfortable, at peace, and totally content no matter what I was doing each day. I didn't need to be entertained. I was just happy to be there to experience those moments.

I have been back home for about a week and during that time I have given a lot of thought as to why this trip was my most favorite of all I've ever taken. It seemed a bit strange to say that at first because it certainly wasn't anything like my pilgrimage to Puerto Rico a few years ago where I was able to see where my Abuela grew up. That was truly emotional and transformative. It healed something inside of me. It also wasn't anything like the two trips I took to Hawaii where I enjoyed swimming with sea turtles and taking in local culture. Those trips were certainly special in their own way. This trip, while far less luxurious, seemed to require nothing from me except my presence. I can honestly say that I did not experience an ounce of stress during those two weeks. That's not to say that I never had any cause to stress about anything, I just simply didn't indulge in it.

What I recognize now is that something inside me has fundamentally changed, which is why I have been able to exist in this stress free and peaceful place for nearly a month now. I have spent the last year on an intense healing journey after spending my entire life in fight or flight and in survival mode. I had to pull away from the external world in every way I could (while still working full time) because I somehow knew my life depended on it. To say I was suffering from burnout is the understatement of the century. I was becoming a shell of a person and I refused to let my story end there.

Walking away from my career and everything I worked so hard to achieve was the most difficult decision I have ever made. I agonized over that decision for at least two years before I was finally brave enough to do it. Then, one day I woke up and I knew it was time. I did not hesitate. I sent in my resignation letter before I could talk myself out of it. That singular decision to take a trust fall with the universe transformed my life in ways I am still trying to fully articulate.

In recent weeks several people have mentioned to me that I have changed. I am somehow different. I was a little surprised by those comments at first because I didn't feel like I was doing anything other than being myself. Now that I've had some time to think about it, I realize that life without a full calendar, endless meetings and emails, deadlines, and bulllshit bureacracy is truly transformative. Being able to detatch from outcomes and just live every day as it comes without a long list of expectations is liberating. No longer waiting for the next shoe to drop eliminates anxiety and replaces it with a sense of certainty. This life lived at a slower pace has allowed me to sink more deeply into gratitude, explore my creativity in new ways, experience awe in the ordinary, love more intentionally, and finally anchor myself into peace and true contentment.

So, yes, I suppose I am different now. I have become so grounded in who I am and what I want for my life that the things that used to bother me simply don't anymore. I have tasted what pure peace feels like and I refuse to let it go for things that weren't mine to worry about to begin with. I have a renewed sense of confidence in my place in the world as I seek out new experiences and enjoy each and every one of them without guilt. Allowing myself the freedom to shed all of the armor and coping mechanisms I employed in the past has taken a huge weight off my shoulders and I am living a life that feels free from burdens. That's not to say that all of life's problems have been solved, but I am secure in the knowing that I am able to navigate them without losing myself in them anymore. In some strange way I feel like I have finally taken charge of my life simply in the letting go. Letting go of control of the situations, circumstances, and people around me. My authentic self is finally free to live the life I have always imagined and boy is it so good! 10/10 recommend!