Faith War

I spent 40 years of my life in the Evangelical Christian church. While I do have fond memories of playing with other kids after church services and always feeling like I had an extended family, the church I grew up in was also extremely harmful to me and my entire family. The benefit of community did not outweigh the harm. Not by a LONG shot.

Cults and perverted pastors aside, the cognitive dissonance I experienced over the years finally led me to leave Evangelical Christianity five years ago. It was the best decision I've ever made for myself. Let me explain why.

I can't say that my decision to leave Christianity had nothing to do with the trauma my family experienced. That wouldn't be true. That said, the church I was attending at the time I left was once a place where I sincerely felt at home. I didn't leave because I was offended. Nobody at that church harmed me in any way. In fact, it took me so long to stop attending because I truly did love the pastors and many of the people who attended. I have absolutely no hard feelings toward anyone at that church and I think there are some really good people there. To this day, I think they are sincere in what they do. Two things can be true at once. I can believe they are lovely people and I can also no longer believe in their teachings. I had to give myself permission to go.

I started to seriously question my beliefs the more I saw Christian Nationalism rising within American politics. I couldn't reconcile the message of Jesus and my personal experience with God with many of the things I was seeing on the television and on social media from people who claimed to be Christians. Now, I know humans are not perfect so I can't place responsibility solely on the words and behaviors of individuals, but the fact that I felt more and more conflicted as the divides in this country widened was something I could not ignore.

Most of my career has been spent advocating for marginalized populations. From the time I was a child I always had a strong sense of justice and I have always wanted everyone to be able to live happy and healthy lives. It doesn't matter to me what color their skin is, how much money they have, what country they were born in, who they love, or how they worship (or any other distinction for that matter). Humans are humans to me and ALL of them deserve to be treated with dignity. I am also a person of color and was once a single teen mom who spent decades healing from childhood trauma. These circumstances shaped me into a person who looks for the need and tries to build systems to meet those needs. I have always wanted to be a "voice for the voiceless." Perhaps it's because I had so many unmet needs growing up and my voice was silenced. Regardless, I feel deeply when I see someone suffering and it is in my nature to do what I can to ease that suffering.

The more I addressed my own healing and learned to love myself, the more I couldn't ignore the cognitive dissonance I was feeling in the church. I had to figure out why I felt increasingly uncomfortable listening to these messages on Sunday mornings. So many things throughout the bible didn't sit right with me from a young age but I was always too afraid to voice my questions out loud. I was already a person who was constantly told I was rebellious, made to feel like the problem in any situation I brought forward, and the classic "strong willed child". That said, the older I got and the more advocacy work I did, the more I just couldn't ignore what I was wrestling with.

To be clear:

I don't believe that the LGBTQ+ community is an abomination. Some of the most kind and incredible humans who I am fortunate enough to call friends are within that community. I don't care who they love. I do care that they are loved well.

I believe every woman should have autonomy over her own body and have access to every form of healthcare, including abortion.

I believe we should protect children and hold predators accountable. FULL STOP.

I don't believe any human should be labeled as illegal nor should anyone be treated like something to be discarded. Besides the fact that all of these borders are made up by humans who slaughtered indigenous peoples to gain access to land, each and every person who has been/is being detained or has lost their life at the hands of ICE is/was someone's child. Are you a parent? Can you imagine something so horrific happening to your child? The way I see it, if I wouldn't wish it on the most cherished people in my life, it isn't right. Why not put our heads together and work on some immigration reform that actually helps to build reasonable pathways to citizenship instead of the inhumane atrocities we are witnessing today? The only thing that separates our humanity from those who enter this country without documentation is that they were born somewhere else. The United States is not superior to the rest of the world. We are all humans. Period.

I have experienced things working in a prison for the last 10 years in combination with my own fight for justice for my family that lead me to believe there needs to be a complete overhaul of the "justice" system in America. It is FAR from just. We must do more to address it.

I believe the American government is corrupt . For years we've all just been trying to determine the lesser of two evils. Men with large egos and the love of money and power have destroyed any sense of unity or stability in this country. War and genocide have become lobbying levers on both sides...while innocent children continue to die. It's absolutely dispicable. If we ever have any hope of changing things we must unite as fellow humans instead of being divided by political party or ideology.

The bottom line is that I don't think any person is better than the other. I believe we are all God's children, connected by God/Spirit/The Divine/Universe (whatever you choose to call it). So, when one person hurts, we all hurt. That is what led me to really take a look at all I have been taught, deconstruct it, and rebuild it in a way that feels authentic to me.

Here's what I landed on for my belief system (so far!):

We are all a spirit in a human body and each of us are connected to God. As such, we are interconnected to one another. I like to think of it as God being the ocean and all of us humans are the waves. Seperate, but connected.

Each of us have our own unique experience (life) here on earth and that experience helps us to make meaning of who God is (if we so choose). Our beliefs are shaped by our environment/lived experience.

Doctrines were formed over generations of lived experiences compounding. Ideologies evolved from the way different cultures made meaning of the Divine. So, seeing the vast differences between Indigenous religious practices in the Carribean and European Catholicism, for instance, makes more sense. Due to geography, those belief systems developed very differently with unique rituals, language, and interpretations. Colonialism introduced those ideologies to one another and there were new ideologies formed from that as well. Beliefs are absolutely subject to evolution as this process continues. All are seeking to connect with God and represent different expressions of that. None of these ideologies are superior.

Most of us have experiences that we could describe as a blessing or a miracle. I believe these are all glimpses of the Divine and yet people from many faiths could attest to something like this. The denomination does not matter. The connection to the Divine does.

I believe that being the best version of myself means that I am living a life of love. So things like kindness, compassion, patience, and empathy are attributes that I strive to embody. That doesn't mean I am always happy or chipper. I am human after all! That means that I commit to continually looking inward and addressing things, as needed, without shame. It is a part of the human experience. Transformation happens so much more quickly when you aren't burdened by shame!

Denominations are manmade constructs. I don't care what you believe. I care how you treat other people. You will know a person by their fruit...

Believing in God or connecting with the Divine should not have strings attached. I don't need a bible, a church service, a tithe, a bunch of rules, or to win anyone over to Christ to connect to God and live my life in a way that reflects God's character. The funny thing is that removing all of the religious conditioning and moving toward this belief system has made me far more devoted, loving, and generous than I ever was in the 40 years I was a Christian. Perhaps it is because I removed the middle man and have direct access.

What I have learned during this time is that I was right to lean into love. It wasn't wrong to love people who were very different from me. The visceral response my body has when I witness the suffering of another person was not just me being dramatic or a liberal. There was always a reason and that is because we are here to love. I feel it down to the depths of my soul. We are here to uplift those around us in whatever way we can.

When large egos dominate, we naturally look to protect ourselves and "our own" and it creates a scenario where we seperate ourselves from those we don't know (e.g. feel safe with). That leads us to (intentionally or unintentionally) "other" people who are not like us. These things are human, certainly, but if we truly want to live as our highest selves we have to do some work to break down all of these rules, biases, beliefs, expectations, etc. These were created by humans (who are imperfect) and don't necessarily reflect the character of God.

I think we can agree that as humans we tend to overcomplicate things. Given that, I decided to break down everything I was ever told to believe and rebuilt it into this simple conviction: live a life of love. Love for myself, my family, my friends, my neighbors, my community, and everyone else in the world. That means challenging my ego when it pops up. It does not mean that I am a doormat to those with unhealthy behaviors.

If I ever feel anything less than neutral about a situation, I question it. Why did this make me feel this way? What is the belief behind that? Where did it come from? Is it aligned with living my best life? What do I need to do to change it? I make the change and keep moving forward.

All of the assessments and questions I ask myself come from a place of neutrality. No judgment. It's not because I am good or bad. It is because I want to live my life as the most happy, peaceful, and loving verison of myself. In essence, this is a form of devotion to the Divine as well as a form of self love.

As I have continued to work through this process I have found that as I have been able to get rid of fear, guilt, and shame and move forward in a way that promotes reflection and personal accountability. I have found that living this way provides me so much more capacity for the humanity of others as well. I am able to be loving while maintaining healthy boundaries because I love people and I also love myself.

This simplicity in my faith has significantly strenghtened my connection with God and with myself. I spend a significant time in reflection and meditation and I have gotten to truly know myself for the first time. I have also been able to reconnect with God in a way that has given me more peace, love, and joy than I have ever experienced in my life. I am no longer weighed down by the burdens of my past and I have so much hopeful anticipation of the future. The miracle of that alone after struggling to survive for many years makes me emotional. I am finally free. My spirit is no longer at war with what is expected of me. So, I will continue to co-create my life with the Divine and hope that others can also find that kind of all encompassing peace. It may not be a conventional belief system, but it has made all the difference in living a happy and healthy life. That's all I've ever wanted!