Living Life in Balance

I am now two weeks out from my resignation after spending 20 years in higher education. Things still feel a bit surreal right now. I'm trying to figure out how I want to structure my days as I have shifted from a career I knew to entreprenurial ventures that are brand new. I am learning to take things day by day as my calendar is now mostly clear and I can do whatever I want.

I was thinking this morning that in these two weeks I haven't felt rushed or busy one time. That said, I've still been quite productive, yet never stressed. What a concept! After decades of trying to cram everything into a day, taking care of kids, going to school while working, spending my weekends cleaning my house and preparing for the next week, the Sunday scaries...all of that is now gone. Now, I wake up when I want, work on what I want at whatever time I want, and clean things as I notice them, but only if I really feel like it (there's always time!). It's a complete 180 from the way I am used to living my life and it feels a bit strange. Certainly not bad, but it's taking me some time to adapt to it and to actually learn to have fun and be spontaneous!

That's the part I'm working on. I'm trying to balance this work ethic I have and my desire to build these businesses. For the first several days I worked at least 8 hours each day. Then, I had to ask myself why. Why do I think it's only "real" work if it is done while sitting for an entire day in front of a computer? I've been programmed for decades to work that way and over the last few years it felt more stifling than I ever thought possible. I felt almost like a circus animal performing tricks and I hung up pictures of my adventures all over my office so that I could remember why I worked so hard...so that I could go out and live my life. How odd!

Intellectually I realize that I don't have to sit in front of a computer all day to be productive. Sometimes it's the 2am burst of creativity that causes me to write until the wee hours of the morning. Other times it could be an afternoon nap that refreshes me and allows me to get something done in the evening. An afternoon swim in my pool can bring clarity to a situation I've been pondering. Who knew?

It took me years to gather enough courage to resign from my career and step out on my own. I was terrified to leave that perceived security of a six figure salary, excellent benefits, and retirement. I also worked incredibly hard to get there, but I was still left feeling empty and unsatisfied. I finally had to admit that the 9-5 work structure no longer works for me and that's alright. I had to put aside my self-doubt and believe that I could make it on my own, but I wasn't able to do that until I truly learned to love myself.

It didn't come all at once, but over years of excavating beliefs that were passed down to me and replacing those narratives with healthy ones. The way that I was always called "too much", "too intense", or "too sensitive". To my surprise, I had many limiting beliefs that I had to examine and replace with what I know to be true about the woman I am today.

Today I know that I am disciplined visionary but I'm also able to go with the flow. I am both serious and a bit whimsical. I can stand ten toes down and say things with my whole chest, but I also know when I just need to silently walk away. This duality that I am now able to embrace was a bit confusing at first, but it's also been extremely liberating. I am allowed to be all of it. The hustler and the afternoon napper, the life of the party and the recluse. Those are all parts of who I am and the magic is when you find balance and are able to embody what's needed for that moment without guilt.

Speaking of moments, I'm also learning to live in the moment. I've spent far too many years lamenting my past while also striving to reach the next goal. It left me little room in the present so I missed out on so many things as life just passed me by. A few years ago I started a practice of finding joy in the moment and naming it. It started small by walking around my property and taking pictures of things that I found beautiful. Over time it became such a life changing habit for me. Now, it's something that is woven into my everyday. Now I notice the small things all around me all of the time. I am the girl who stops to marvel at a hummingbird in flight, enjoys the serenity of listening to the wind rustle through trees, and appreciates the vantage point I have from my hammock in the evening as I watch wildlife wind down and get settled in. All of it feels absolutely magical to me when I allow myself to stay present in the moment.

Last night as I was preparing for bed I realized that I am now living the life I have always dreamed of. No clock to punch. No meetings to attend. No endless emails, Zoom calls, or Teams messages (THANK GOD!). For instance, this week I'm going to hike with a friend on a random weekday without having to look at my vacation hours balance or ask for time off. At the end of this month I'm going on a SOLO two week road trip across the country. When I used to think of my ideal life, these were things that I specifically envisioned and here they are!

I didn't realize that I'm living my dream life until now because none of it has come with fanfare. Things were super stressful until my last day at my job and I was wondering if I would even make it until my last scheduled day. Now, I'm mostly at home with my four furbabies just toodling and working on things in smaller chunks of time. I was able to attend my grandson's 6th birthday and truly be present and enjoy it without having to think about all of the things that I would have to cram in the rest of the weekend to be prepared for work on Monday. I have been given the gift of time, space, and a much more manageable pace.

Life for me now is far more subtle and quiet instead of so stressful and demanding. So, when a friend messaged me and asked if I want to hike I just said, "sure"! I have time now. I've also been debating on whether or not I can make it to my neice's wedding in the midwest. At first I was apprehensive to go because I'm trying to build businesses so that I can start generating my own income. The overly responsible workhorse in me tried to talk me out of it. Then, I decided this could be my "retirement" gift to myself. So, I started researching flights and calculating days and costs. Then, in a burst of inspiration, I thought why not make it a road trip so that I can see more things and have more flexibilty? Again, I have time now! So, I'm going to hit the road on my own and do my best to actually enjoy the journey rather than just make it from point A to point B on a strict schedule. Bliss!

What I'm learning is that it's in my ability to choose things without feeling the stress of what those hours are "costing me" (where I might have to make up time later) that I am able to truly live a fulfilling life. It's the absence of a frenzied schedule and the presence of peace and the ability to choose each day for myself without as much overarching obligation. This is the life I have worked hard for and at 47 years old I know that it is a priviledge many do not have. It's not lavish trips or adrenaline producing adventures, but it's the sustained peace and joy that my battered and bruised nervous system desperately needed. That, in itself, is a true luxury to me and one that I hope to never take for granted. I am thoroughly enjoying the rhythm of a quiet life in a home I love surrounded by people I adore and that is more than enough for me. I am so thankful I was brave enough to take the risk without guilt and with complete certainty that I have what it takes to forge my own path and live life on my own terms. This existence of balance, peace, and joy is something I wouldn't trade for any degree or title. I finally feel like I'm living the life I want and not one that is expected of me. Little me couldn't be more proud.