Finding My Luck

I had an epiphany today. I was sitting quietly thinking about my life and my journey to where I am today. I like to take time to remember how far I've come, especially when I'm journaling or meditating. It helps me to stay focused on my forward trajectory.

Today, during that quiet time, I realized how incredibly lucky I've been in my life. That might sound strange considering the road that I've walked, but at my vantage point today I feel like I have been so fortunate in countless ways! That said, it took me many years to be able to see things from that perspective.

For much of my life I felt like a bit of an Eeyore. I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop...because it always did. So much instability. Not much I could truly count on. Years of unresolved trauma. I was also a poor kid with parents who were almost never involved with my extracurriculars (and there were MANY!). I threw myself into education because that was the only place where I was praised for a job well done. It was the only place I ever felt like I was of any significance. Like I mattered for the very first time.

Learning became my safety net and I figured out quickly that I had a knack for it. I could pick things up with lightning speed. I was a voracious reader. I wanted to know about everything and how it worked or came to be. I developed visions of being a change maker on a large scale. I could imagine it for myself in moments, but then reality came back and slapped me in the face. I didn't have the financial or social capital to do any of those things that I dreamed of. I didn't know how to navigate going to college and starting a career. Nobody in my family had a college degree. Yet, I would sit and dream of going to a prestigious school and becoming a high powered attorney or politician despite the fact that I didn't have a dime, a car, or even a driver's license when I graduated high school.

I got pregnant with my son six months after graduation. I was terrified but also very excited to welcome this precious baby into the world. It would be my first chance at true unconditional love and I easily pushed aside every big career aspiration I ever had. I had to be present with my child. I needed them to know they were loved. So, I dove headfirst into single motherhood with zero idea what I was doing.

Most of my years of parenting my children are a blur. I was just trying to survive. I met my husband when my son was 9 months old. We started dating several months later and then got married 4 months into our relationship. Our daughter went to our one year anniversary trip with us. Fast and furious!

He also had a traumatic childhood and neither of us knew the first thing about healthy relationships or parenting. It was a whole lot of trial and error with a hefty layer of unhealthy religious conditioning. Let's just say there were a whole lot of difficult years before we finally started figuring things out!

This year we celebrated 27 years of marriage. How we got this far can only be described as Divine because there are countless reasons why we could have called it quits years ago. That said, I can honestly say that our relationship just gets better year after year. It's not that we don't have any issues. I don't think we will ever stop growing and evolving in our relationship, but now I think it's a good thing. I am not much like the 20 year old woman he married. I have changed in many ways over the years. He's had to learn to love every iteration of me and vice versa.

As I was recounting the ways that I've been fortunate over the years, one memory came back to me so vividly. When I was in high school I applied to attend the National Young Leaders Conference in D.C., knowing full well I could not afford it. I thought it was a shot in the dark being a poor kid from a podunk town with a graduating class of less than 20 students. I must have had a surge of audacity because I did it anyway.

To my utter shock and disbelief, I was chosen to attend! I knew I didn't have two nickels to rub together, so I quickly drafted a letter to ask for financial donations (the years before GoFundMe...ahem) and put them in the mail. I can't remember if I was given a scholarship combined with the family that graciously supported me (I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH!), but before I knew it I was on a plane headed to D.C. to stay a week at American University!

I truly had to use every bit of my bravery to get over my imposter syndrome to go. I couldn't imagine the types of young adults I would encounter there. I had never flown alone and here I was flying from CA to the East Coast. I didn't even have the appropriate wardrobe to attend. I had to piece things together between what I already had, handmade pencil skirts and tops, a romper I found cheap, and one formal dress that was required for the final dinner at the end of the week. My flight was covered by family donations and I had a little pocket money for food, and I was on my way!

That week in D.C. was very eye opening for me. Based on the conversations I had with people I met there, I was a minority. Not in an ethnic sense. Fortunately there were students there from a wide variety of backgrounds. But I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb with my handmade clothes and small town experience. Thankfully, I was welcomed and treated just like everyone else and I got a glimpse of what it would be like to live a big life. Standing on the steps in front of the Supreme Court, walking through Capitol Hill, doing mock debates on current issues, and all of the other experiences that week were like a dream come true for me!

While I recalled all of that today, I also remembered something else. The summer before that trip I also decided to write The Oprah Winfrey Show on a whim. I was struggling with not having a good relationship with my dad and I just wrote a letter one day. I think I just needed an outlet. Out of the blue I got a telegram. Yes, I am THAT old! It was from the producers of the show and they were inviting me to be a guest on an epsiode. WHAT!?!?

I traveled to Chicago in similar style. I didn't have much but I was going to meet THE OPRAH WINFREY! I was excited and I guess a bit nervous to be in front of the cameras. I wasn't nervous to meet her though. She was an icon I really looked up to, which is probably why I wrote the letter in the first place.

The trip was fast and furious, but everything from being picked up by a limo at the airport, the fancy hotel room in a high rise hotel, room service, and having my makeup done by professionals was what every girl dreams of! I was bummed that they made my makeup so subtle because I was the oldest kid on the show that day, but to get to sit in that green room, be brought on stage, sit by Oprah and actually talk to her (and tell her she had something in her teeth! lol) was otherworldly.

Looking back at just those two incidents in my life and how many odds were stacked against me, I just can't help but feel like I'm God's favorite. Sounds dramatic, I know, but seriously - what are the odds?!? I've had those moments where I indeed felt like I couldn't lose and that God made ways out of impossible situations. Then again, those were often overshadowed by all of the traumatic experiences in my life and the fact that money was never something I had easy access to. But today I looked at those instances combined with the fact that I actually own TWO homes despite moving constantly from rental to rental my entire life, and I can't help but see how the Divine has always made a way for me!

I believe that what you give out comes back to you and that you attract the energy that you put out in the world. Knowing that and focusing on the gratitude for all of the incredible opportunities I've had in my life just increases my confidence and propels me forward. Instead of saying, "Why me?", I now say, "Why NOT me?" I've beaten so many odds in my life that I have to acknowledge that winning streak. As long as I'm living a life that feels aligned and am willing to keep getting back up, I know I will always win in the end. At this point, I feel I cannot lose and those limiting beliefs that kept me small for most of my life keep discintegrating as each day passes. Progress!

So, I need to ask you some things. What would you start today if you knew you couldn't lose? What would you try if you knew you would be successful? What would you commit to if you knew that it wouldn't be easy, but you would outlast everything that tried to come against you?

I want to encourage you that every time you step outside of your comfort zone and just give something a try, you teach your nervous system that it's safe to try new things. You gain more confidence when you do what you set out to do. You don't have to try as hard when you live a life that is aligned with your purpose. You learn persistence when you navigate difficulties and you increase your abilities for the next challenge.

Give yourself a pep talk (with a healthy dose of grace) and shut down the limiting beliefs! There is a big, wide world out there waiting to experience your creativity, brilliance, and unique signature. The world needs you!

That truth set me free and has enabled me to go out on my own and dream the biggest dreams imaginable. I might stumble from time to time as I navigate this new path, but I'm the girl who always gets back up! That is what really matters. That's how we change the world, one imperfect step at a time.

I found my "luck". Now, go find yours!